Question:
I heard there are biblical reasons in which God permits a couple to divorce. What are they? Also, if we are to marry "for better or worse" and "until death do us part", then how can there be biblical standards for someone to divorce? Thank you for your time and response.
I pray that you bear with my
discussion. If you take the time to absorb it, I believe you will
"get it". That will put you far ahead of so many in the Church
today. It will also give you personal ammunition against the attacks
of the devil. You will understand how to fight back.
First of all, your question is a
great one. Your asking both sides of the issue in the same question
gets to the heart of the matter, which is why your question is so
great. It also tells me that you really have made an excellent
observation regarding marriage and its failure, and that you
understand that God wants a marriage to last. God bless you for
that.
So many people are one-sided
regarding marriage. They only think about what they can get out of
it. So when problems arise, many start looking for a way out. There
is generally no real respect for the spouse, just a "let's see if
this works" mentality. Unfortunately, that selfish attitude has come
into the church world, and now Christian divorces number close to
the same percentage as those outside of the Church. To help you, I
want to answer your question on 2 levels: (1)
God's marriage principle, and
(2) practical issues. I will
end with some advice that
should help you and empower you to help others.
God's Marriage Principle
Jesus was very specific. It is out of the heart that come the issues of life (Mark 7:18-23). Everything in life is a matter of heart. From simple things such as what I may want to eat, to grave matters such as honesty, compassion, love, as well as lying, manipulating others, robbery, and murder, everything we do is a matter of heart.
This is also true regarding marriage. That is why from the very beginning, God gave us guidance regarding marriage. Moses wrote in Genesis,
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth (Gen. 1:27-28 KJV).
Every person ever born was created
in God’s image, and therefore is worthy of respect and love and good
treatment. You are valuable as a creation of God. Of
course, the other side of the coin is that you and I are to treat
everyone else as a valuable creation of God as well.
Later Moses wrote that God put Adam to
sleep, took a rib out of his side, and formed a woman. God then
brought the woman to him, and Adam responded, "This is now bone
of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man" (Gen. 2:23 KJV). Right after
that, Moses gives the permanent, divine principle of marriage:
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Gen. 2:24
KJV). God Himself designed the marriage relationship. The intention
was for the two to become bonded in love and friendship for life—one
flesh.
The problem is that Adam and Eve sinned.
That entrance of the knowledge of good and evil into our
lives is the very reason why we struggle in marriage relationships
today. It hurt their marriage, saw their son Cain kill their other
son Abel, and brought hard times in their struggling as farmers and
animal keepers just to be able to eat and survive.
In fact, the sin problem in marriage was
dealt with by Moses in the Law. He permitted divorce under the Law.
However, Jesus, taught this: "Moses because of the hardness of
your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the
beginning it was not so." (Matt. 19:8 KJV). That is, marriage
was created to be a life-long relationship.
So in principle, marriage
is for keeps. It is a permanent bond between a man and a
woman for life. The legitimate end of a marriage is the
death of one of marriage partners. Marriage is to endure to the end.
Practical Issues
Again, the problem is sin. Each one of us has
a sinful nature that needs to be held in check by obedience to
God’s Word and dependency on His Holy Spirit.
Historically, from the time of the fall, the
curse of sin has brought two familiar problems into the marriage:
bullying and manipulation. And God prophesied this to Eve: "Unto
the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy
conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy
desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
(Gen. 3:16 KJV). The word desire here is
meant as controlling or manipulating the husband.
The word rule is used as bossiness
or bullying of the wife. Our sinful natures hinder our
ability to understand and respect each other and our different roles
in the marriage. What was intended to be a beautiful relationship of
man and wife living in love under the covering of God’s Spirit
degenerates too easily into something like a monstrous prowling
wolf abusing a cat-like, hissing manipulator.
This hardness of the sinful nature is why Moses permitted divorce
under the Old Testament Law.
Two of the Ten Commandments
were aimed at stopping the fleshly tendency to abuse one’s marriage
partner and preserve the family. (a) "Thou shalt not commit
adultery" (Exo. 20:14 KJV), which includes any sexual activity
outside of marriage; and (b) "Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his
manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any
thing that is thy neighbor's" (Exo. 20:17 KJV)—one was not even
to desire another’s spouse. Jesus Himself also expressed the
seriousness of God’s view of marriage as being sacred: "And I
say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for
fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso
marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery" (Matt.
19:9 KJV). Jesus was revealing the standard that God holds
regarding marriage. It is holy. It is
sacred. It is NOT to be taken likely.
The relationship is to be permanent!
The Lord’s disciples were shocked when He said this and replied, "If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry" (Matt. 19:10 KJV). Jesus responded to their insight on staying single:
All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it ( Matt. 19:11-12 KJV).
(A eunuch was a man who did not function
sexually for one reason or another, usually made that way when
serving in a king’s court to protect the women of the court.) Again,
what Jesus is saying is that marriage is not
something that should be taken lightly. It is a beautiful thing, and
it is a serious thing—it is a vow to God and to the marriage
partner!
But most people are not ready to fulfill the vow of marriage and often find themselves in a bad situation or even being the cause of the problem of a bad relationship. Paul gives his wisdom on the matter of divorce versus saving a marriage:
And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath a husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? (1 Cor. 7:10—16 KJV).
Paul’s goal was to save troubled
marriages. He recognizes that there are circumstances that
prevent a marriage from continuing, but the vow should be
kept if at all possible. That is what Paul is saying here.
But marriage is not to be avoided as if it were some dreaded sickness. After all, it is a gift from God. There are normal needs in men and women that are legitimately met in a marriage relationship. God made marriage, and He built man and woman with a desire to have romance and sex in order for them to create children and to enjoy each other in that life-long marriage setting. Paul wrote the following:
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.(1 Cor: 7:1-6 KJV).
Paul is recognizing the fleshly needs of a man and woman. He is saying that marriage is the correct place to gratify that need.
Conclusion and Advice
If I look at Scripture “legally” to see if there is a
valid reason for divorce, then I am missing the point.
God holds marriage as sacred. However, he knows that the evil
heart of man often destroys the very relationship that was meant
to be a blessing both to the marriage partners and to the
children born in that marriage. Children need the love and
nurture of both mom and dad to grow up with a healthy and even
godly outlook on life.
If a partner is sleeping around with other
than his or her spouse, then God does not judge the abused partner
who decides gets a divorce. If a partner is an unbeliever and wants
to leave, God will not hold the believer accountable unless the
believer drove that person away by abusive words or behavior. Beyond
those two Scripturally depicted reasons, it is best to work
at keeping the marriage alive. Often, offenses are
self-centered and grudging, and both partners must learn to live in
forgiveness and respect of one another.
Nobody is perfect. We all have a sinful
nature. But both partners (a) praying and holding
to Christ, (b) living in forgiveness, and (c) being willing to
negotiate over the various issues that arise in marriage,
help keep a marriage relationship strong.
And for those who are not yet married: Do not seek to marry too early. Immaturity in relationship by one or both partners too easily ends in divorce. A couple of good indicators that you are ready for marriage are (a) having a real personal and moral respect for others, especially in close-up personal friendships; and (b) having a deep-seated attitude that once you marry, divorce is not an option—ever! If you honestly reflect on your heart and find that you do not have both of those aspects of life deeply rooted in your outlook on life, then you are probably not ready to marry. If you do, then seek God in deep prayer in leading you and the right other individual to each other, and then live respectfully and morally before each other and God prior to the marriage. Then, after the wedding, enjoy all of its benefits and have a family.
Rev. Pat Reynolds
Wayne Parks Ministries